I can't read about 9/11. Even now it's 10 years on. It's all over the news. Old revisited footage, planes penetrating the top floors and airport CCTV of the plotters at large mixed in with smiling, happy snapshots of the dead.
The thought still shears my gut.
I know why the media show it. Hell, I was one of them. I've done this stuff on other past disasters. Plenty of them. The forward planner churns it out and off you go to regurgitate it, clippings in hand.
But not this one.
I don't know if I ever will be able to face up to it. I wasn't involved, not even in the Country where it occurred. It's the sheer obscenity of it that chokes me up. Like wanting to visit a slaughterhouse. Why? This tragic group of people have passed on, never to be forgotten but surely not to be revisited for the sake of TV ratings?
The pious producers will say 'because they should not be forgotten.'
I get that, I really do. Just like the Holocaust should not be. I just don't believe that's the true motive.
As I said, not for me. The negativity chills my blood. My deepest respect to those touched by this evil day - but it's not a fairground ride and I'm not ready for it.
Perhaps the generation unborn in 2001 will view it dispassionately without wrestling with the need for vengeance. It just makes me want to cry out with the pain of it.